5 mistakes when working with shame as a practitioner

Firstly, I kind of want to contradict myself a little in that there are rarely mistakes when working with shame at a somatic and relational practitioner level. This is because we work in an experimental way.

Bessel Van Der Kolk, writer of The Body Keeps the Score, says that working with trauma is an experiment. I rephrase this and say that working with trauma and shame is like working in a creative and collaborative field. So, in this sense, there are no real ‘mistakes’ just twists and turns and more skills to develop and collaboration to build.

Though, there are some surefire ways to get shame running for the hills and make it harder to metabolise and heal. The third one is something I constantly find myself finding the balance with, even as a shame practitioner. So, here are some thoughts for the therapists, coaches and facilitators looking to work with shame at a somatic level.

1.  Mistake trauma for shame and try to apply nervous system work to this.

Highly nuanced - but let me share the quickest way to describe the difference. Trauma is what happens when survival is threatened. Shame is what happens when connection is threatened. This is why for example, childhood trauma often contains the two (survival is dependent on connection to caregivers). However, they are vastly different and have different somatic needs.

2. Be under the illusion that we can work with shame directly.

Most often, shame attaches to other emotions. Clinging to things like grief and even joy very subtly. These have maybe been associated with shame in the past, so they live as part of their make-up. Working with the emotion that it is attached to and helping your client, as a shame practitioner, embody that in a somatic way is not straightforward. However, often the way to unlock the shame is attached to it.

3. Name shame too early or at all.

Sometimes it can be supportive to help name an emotion for, or with a client to help them feel affirmed or develop emotional capacity where emotions have maybe been shamed in the past. This is not always the case with shame. Let me tell you why: One of the ways shame operates is to hide. Therefore, outing it like this can make it run for the hills and hide even more.

4. Thinking we can help someone think their way out of it.

Yeah yeah, this makes me sound like all the other somatic boffins on the internet right now - the body is the way in. It is true. Though, some psychoeducation can be useful and the relationship with any therapist or practitioner also goes a long way. But if we stop there and educate - shame often finds a way to shame itself. Further hiding, further pain. And most shame is so often, so subconscious it wouldn’t even come close to being able to work at that level.

5. Think as practitioners it is all about those we work with.

I don’t want to piss on anyone’s bonfire here, but the best way we can get to identify the subtle ways that shame operates is to work with our shame at a somatic level. We get to feel when it is in the room, even if it’s not being spoken of. Even the practitioner courses I offer here are very much gentle and profound personal journeys - they have to be.

A phrase I use to describe working with shame is like being a snake charmer. Subtle somatic relational ways of working that gently untangle the threads of shame and support healing. I wish I could give some snappy advice for when dealing with shame, some 5-step plan, but truly it’s more sophisticated and subtle. It’s evolving this way to keep us from the pain of disconnection.

Number 5 is possibly the most important, as so often is the case when working in these realms. Working at a subtle level doesn’t necessarily mean complex, although there are more complexities if we don’t tend to the shame in our own systems as practitioners.

Working with shame is subtle, relational and somatic. If you are a practitioner, coach, therapist, helping professional or work with others, I invite you to get the free replay from my recent masterclass ‘Working with shame and emotions’. We don't often work directly with shame and this masterclass covers one of the ways we work with shame but through other emotions.

→ Get the replay here.

Some lovely participant feedback:

“This was a really illuminating workshop. There were things I came to understand - most memorably about how shame can bind with other emotions. But more profound than that have been the internal changes, a stronger felt sense of shame and an awareness of how dislodging or reducing it feels in my body. You’re always so warm, Jo, and I loved how you used humour in the session as a counterbalance to shame.”

Want to go deeper with me? These subtle ways of working are covered in our Focalizing Practitioner Course, in what we call ‘The 7 Conditions of Focalizing’. Our next cohort begins in November, and you can find out more here.