Why is Shame so Hard to Heal From?

I get asked why shame is so hard to heal from very often.

And there are a lot of different answers to this question but one of the biggest reasons why it feels so painful and hard to heal from, is that it is quite often a silent host binding to other emotions.

What I mean by this is, we may feel shame sometimes when we are in the midst of it. That debilitating feeling of being in a vortex.

But often it lives more subtly as it binds to other emotions.

A 'shame bind' forms when certain emotions, desires, needs, or behaviours become consistently paired with shame. So much so that they tightly fuse.

This means:

You no longer feel just the original emotion. You feel shame about having that emotion.

For example:

• Feeling angry → Immediately feeling ashamed of being angry.

• Wanting closeness → Feeling ashamed of needing anyone.

• Making a mistake → Automatically feeling “I’m defective.”

Shame becomes the default response, regardless of the actual situation.

 It heightens the experience of our emotional response, often in quite a confusing or restricted way.

It stops the life flow energy held within these emotions. And emotions are expressions and life force energy - emotion, e-motion ‘energy in motion’.

And so the loop continues so much so, we feel shame about our emotions, or even shame about shame.

A way of thinking about this and starting to break the loop might be every time you notice an emotion, especially one that feels like it has a stuck quality is to stop and ask yourself:

“What emotion is this?”

And then ask take a slow pause and ask the question: “What is my reaction to this emotion?”

If the reaction is something like:

• “I should not be feeling this way.”

• “I am wrong for feeling this way.”

• “Nobody else would react like this.”

• A deeper feeling of upset with yourself for feeling the emotion.

• Or trying to distract from the emotion.

Then the likelihood is it is bound to shame too.

If this is the case, stop and take a moment to place a hand on your chest, perhaps on your heartbeat, or maybe somewhere that you feel the emotion.

Take time to notice the connection from your hand.

Watch your body reactions as you do.

If it feels too much, take a break and resource with something that feels pleasant and soothing to you.

If it feels ok to stay with it, then keep watching your body sensations and notice them pass.

You can also add a little mantra of something like: “It is safe for me to feel this emotion right now.”

These steps start to restore some of the internal disconnection we feel with shame and give space for these emotions to live their day.

We can heal from shame but not always in the way we think. Shame wants us to banish all of these emotions and parts of ourselves and we have to love ourselves back home, one heartbeat at a time.

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